I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
