why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
