So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
