im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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