Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
