My sheets look like a crime scene.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
