I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
