I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
