Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
