we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
