Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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