Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
