she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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