I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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