just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
