Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
