Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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