the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
