why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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