I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
