it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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