I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
