I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
