She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
