So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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