Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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