what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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