Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
