i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
