So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
