Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Say something about gay babies.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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