So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
