Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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