Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
