I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
