Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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