Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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