He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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