accomplished twins. life is a go
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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