so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
