I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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