I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
