I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
