my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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