had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize