I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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