dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yo dont text me then not text me
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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