i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
