Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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