I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
