What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize