Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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