Dual....:-)
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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