Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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