Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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