After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
we're so committed to being not committed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
