twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
