I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
