that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
