I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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