btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
