I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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