We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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