I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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