her vagine was all disorganized.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
