you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
